Sending a child off to college is a transition for the whole family.
Parents can find the transition especially difficult in the months before and immediately after their child leaves, usually in the summer to fall period. Philadelphia therapists say some may feel anxious, depressed and even a sense of loss. Single parents and empty nesters may be hit with loneliness, while couples may find themselves facing a new phase in their relationship.
The Inquirer spoke with two local therapists about how parents can navigate the transition and ensure newfound anxiety doesn’t affect relationships.
So you dropped your kid off on a college campus and left. Now what?
Establishing routines can reduce the anxiety that comes with separation, said Angelle Richardson, a couples and family therapist and assistant professor in the community and trauma counseling program at Thomas Jefferson University. She recommends that parents discuss with their child how often they will call and visit home. Negotiate exactly what the routine looks like, such as the frequency of calls and texts. Talking once a day may be too much for the child, but a weekly check-in can be something everyone looks forward to.
Parents usually feel less anxious once a new routine is established, Richardson said.
The flip side of creating a routine is discussing what new boundaries are needed. Your family now includes a young adult who is responsible for the choices you’ve made for them, from what they have for dinner to how they manage their time. And parents are no longer bound by the same household responsibilities.
“The young man learns that he is an adult… and that you respect their boundaries,” Richardson said. “You should have some more.”
For example, a parent can make it clear that they will not show up unannounced on campus to visit. And a parent can require a text message before the child withdraws money from a shared debit card.
Parenting is work. There is no need to keep up with the daily needs of your college student can free up time. One way to make sure you don’t fill that time with worry is to invest it back into yourself.
Join a running or book club, make plans to go out with friends, explore a new hobby, or get back into one you’ve been neglecting. Use the time you would have taken your child to practice or doing something else for yourself, says Richardson.
Having a child outside the home does not only affect parents, it changes the whole family dynamic.
In addition to yourself, reinvest time and energy in your romantic relationship and other children, says George James, a licensed marriage and family therapist and chief innovation officer at the Relationship Council, a mental health nonprofit in Philadelphia.
Consider going on date nights and planning getaways. If you have other children at home, check with them as well. Making sure the new family arrangement works for everyone will require conversations.
Hearing from other parents that what you and your baby are going through is actually normal can be comforting.
Sometimes parents get stressed out when they learn details about their child’s daily life at college, says James, whether it’s a new relationship or how much time they’re spending in the library.
“You won’t necessarily realize that what your child is experiencing is normal until you ask around,” James said.
Formal counseling with a mental health provider can also help if feelings of anxiety, stress, depression, or loss are overwhelming—or even if you just want to talk things out.
» READ MORE: How to prepare for your appointment with a therapist
There are many reasons for parents to worry about young people who are alone. College campuses have resources to help. Many campuses will support students with counseling, health care, and nutritional needs. Often there are also centers for LGBTQ students and an outreach office for people with disabilities.
Familiarize yourself with those resources and discuss them with your child.
“Even though you can’t control, you can still advocate,” James said.
