Every Thursday on Twitter @jdesmondharrisDear Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on a question that has been bugging her. She will release her final thoughts on the matter on Friday. Here is this week’s dilemma and answer:
Dear Prudence,
One of my husband’s employees is a lingerie model and has an active social media presence dedicated to her beautiful and intentionally wild photos. She brought this to his attention out of caution (as it is a very different industry from their work), and he said it was her business, which was the appropriate response. He also follows her from his personal account. This part is weird, isn’t it? We’re all sexually lefties and I think he sees it as a friendly/supportive gesture.
As far as I know, that’s all. But she’s also 15+ years his junior, and he’s her immediate supervisor. My impression is that she’s cool with it, although I remember being in my twenties and being “cool” with a lot of work-related interactions that in retrospect weren’t okay. I’m not worried about him pursuing it, but at the same time, being supportive of your employee’s side hustle doesn’t mean you choose to look at their tits every day, right? Is he destined to become another story about a male boss who crosses the line? What are the rules?
– Lots of Drama
Darling too much drama,
There is a difference between being a sex-positive supporter person or positive sexual support friendand positive sexual support head. And this change is lost on your husband. You are absolutely right that “being supportive of your employee’s side hustle doesn’t mean choosing to look at their tits every day.” I – and almost everyone who reads your letter – agree. But being right doesn’t help here. What do you as his wife do with this (obvious) information?
You put aside any worries about looking jealous and talk to him about the possible consequences of his choice… I don’t know what your husband does for a living (unless it’s modeling underwear), but I would I accept the fact that he has employees as an indication that he has achieved a level of success in his field and that he values his status and reputation. So I think @Jen_Jaw had the right idea when he said, “It seems to me that appealing to his sense of self-preservation is a strong bet; there are many ways this could backfire and I don’t see any benefit. Plus, he doesn’t actually know how his employee feels about him stalking him; she might be uncomfortable, but the power dynamic, you know?”
In other words, when you go to him to talk about it, don’t focus on the weird-older-guy-chasing-a-younger-woman factor. It is about a boss and an employee. Let him know that it could end badly (whether it’s a lawsuit or a blow to his reputation) in a way that’s bad for him and his job. And note that, as several readers said on Twitter, many workplaces have rules for supervisors to follow their employees (even their fully clothed employees!) for this very reason.
I only spent two seconds practicing labor law, but this letter opened my eyes. Bad judgment but fixable. –@shipitsyna
All kinds of possibilities for future lawsuits. There are reasons why companies have rules against this. –@AprilisStormy
I think underwear modeling is a red herring, no supervisor should follow their employee on any social media other than LinkedIn and maybe Twitter in certain industries. Instagram/Facebook and anything else with personal photos should be off limits no matter what the photos are. –@NYCJessa
I would treat it as a concern from an HR perspective rather than anything else because it helps to eliminate any attempts to make it out of jealousy or projection. Also, don’t expect my support if you get fired for being stupid –@Blkhealedwhole
“But,” he might say, “I really want to show her support. I don’t want to make her feel like there’s something wrong with her side hustle! It’s important not to be weird about it. First. this, then I won’t be allowed to have lunch alone with female colleagues, like Mike Pence, and that’s actually really bad for women in the workplace!”
That’s when you remind him that there are better ways for a boss to support an employee than to give her an extra follower on Instagram. He was on the right track when he told her that underwear was her business. Beyond that, he can plan to protect him if someone tries to make the account a thing and get him in trouble for it.
This smells like a dangerous situation. The LW should urge her husband to stop following his employee and do so immediately. She is very reasonable in asking this. It doesn’t really matter if the employee is comfortable with it. He can be supportive in many other ways. For example, he can make sure she has adequate vacation days. He can back it up if colleagues are weird about things. If she says “I have a photo shoot this weekend,” he can say “Cool! I hope it goes well!” –@ektastrophe
Yes, supporting him looks like getting him back if customers or colleagues complain, but if he wants to follow lingerie models on Instagram, he should definitely look to others who aren’t his direct reports –@christinaemoss
If he doesn’t cancel it, that’s a much bigger problem. The proper way for him to show support as her boss is to go to bat for her if someone else in the company has a problem with her side gig. The occupational risk is very high. If he can’t see that, there’s something else. –@robynrobotron
Finally, @elaitch asked, “is there such a thing as Sexual Harassment insurance? She may request that he take it to protect their income given that it could be considered seriously dangerous to his continued employment.” That was a joke, but this advice goes to the heart of what you should do, in a broad sense. I want you to prepare yourself practically, emotionally, and financially for the consequences of being married to a man who has shown that he does not know what is appropriate at work. Hitting unfollow is a great first step, but it won’t give him awareness or good judgment in other situations.
Classic Prudie
My wife was in a very stressful situation about a month ago when she was in a park in our city. After trying to balance a full-time job while taking care of our three kids for four months, she honestly just lost it. She snapped. My wife is now the subject of a “Karen” video that made the rounds last month in our town (luckily it didn’t spread beyond that). She was and still is appalled by her behavior. She is seeking counseling for both the snap and the underlying thoughts and attitudes that came out in the video.
