There are too many great advice columns to keep up with, so we’re committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here’s a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking, and surprising questions our favorite columnists (and subreddits) addressed in recent days.
Should I give in to my husband’s insistence that we let his mother sleep in our bed every day?
My husband’s mother moved in with us a week ago. The moment we were informed that she would be moving (temporarily until her house is renovated) we cleared out a room especially for her – she has everything. A bed frame, curtains, mounted TV, wardrobe etc. She was thrilled with it and loved it.
One day I came home to find her in my bedroom sleeping on my and my husband’s bed. I was confused but she told me that she took a nap in bed and lost track of time. From then on she started talking about how she loved sleeping there and started hinting that she wanted maps in the bedroom from now on.
I continued to ignore her comments until my husband sat me down and told me that his mom really likes and “took” naps in our bedroom and we have to let him nap every afternoon in the room. I said “absolutely not” and we started the debate. I told him that his mom is being funny because she has a whole room upstairs that she has to sleep in. He got upset and said I was making his mom feel uncomfortable and unwanted with this attitude. I said NO and refused to negotiate. He called me selfish and mean for saying no and keeping his mom from being comfortable in “his house”, but I reminded him that I pay the full mortgage on the house while he blows money on hardware and consoles. He accused me of bringing old differences into this current conflict to use against him. I said no again and that he should stop pushing because I need the room when I get home feeling exhausted from working on my feet since 6am.
He refuses to talk to me until I agree and let mom sleep there. The FATHER who chose this hill to die, what does he say? Am I difficult?
[Reddit via Twitter]
Commenters on the r/AmItheAsshole subreddit take the letter writer’s side. “You are already waiting for his mother. She is lucky to have her own room when most people don’t even have spare rooms,” writes one of them. “If there’s a problem with her room, your husband should fix it so she’s comfortable. But she can’t take over your room.” Read the rest of their answers.
Can I ask a new employee to go by a different name since she has the same name as me?
We are in the interview process and have found an excellent candidate that we are ready to move forward with. However, one big drawback is that she has the same name as me. We work in a small office with less than 10 people, but we employ over 300 volunteers, most of whom are 60+. Because of my position, I don’t have day-to-day interaction with most volunteers, but it’s important that they know I’m in charge. Also, we’ll both be out in the community doing outreach events, and again, it’s important that the community knows the difference. Is it out of bounds for me to ask her to go by a nickname? (For example, if we’re both named Amanda, can I ask her to go by Mandy?)
[Inc.]
Alison Green informs the letter writer that they cannot ask the other Amanda to go by an alias. “Names are really personal and you can’t ask someone to change what they do,” she writes. “But you can certainly suggest that she go with Amanda S. or whatever her last initial is—as you would if the name wasn’t so easy for a nickname, like Karen or Lila .” Read the rest of her answer.
Is it unreasonable for me to want to meet my exclusive, monogamous partner in person?
I have been in a long distance, exclusive, monogamous relationship for over a year. I met him at work (we both work remotely), and he reached out and made his feelings clear. We had a working relationship to begin with so we were always in touch and the feelings just grew.
We have never met in person, but we video chat and talk many times a day. He seems to show that he loves me very much; he keeps in constant contact, which to me shows that he is serious and dedicated.
Now to the problem: He’s still waiting to settle his split from a longtime partner and things have dragged on for a long time. (They were already broken up when we met.) He says he plans to see me in person when things are settled with the breakup, which looks like it could be a long time, or at least an unknown amount of time. We live in different countries. I cannot travel to see him due to financial, work and other responsibilities, while he has no such restrictions. I worry about his lack of initiative and resistance. Makes me think he’s not serious or taking it for granted that I’ll just hang around him. I’m relatively new, but I feel really connected to this person. On the surface, we seem very compatible and really enjoy each other’s company. I’ve asked it so many times that I don’t think I should beg anyone to make the effort. Am I being unreasonable? Could his excuse for not coming to see me (waiting until his separation is settled) be valid? Am I unfair and selfish?
[Creators]
Annie Lane notes that it’s very easy for people to hide parts of their lives when they only talk virtually. “Tell him you can’t pursue a relationship with him unless you make concrete plans to meet in person,” she writes. “Make a deadline and then stick to it.” Read the rest of her answer.
Should I tell my husband’s friend that I am in love with him for two years and think about him every day?
I have a lot of love for my husband’s friend, “Shane”. I think about her every day and fantasize about her every night. He came once a month to the place where I worked. I wanted to tell him how I felt then, but I pulled away.
I recently changed jobs and he came to the place where I work now. I did talk to him, but I didn’t say anything about how I felt. I’m sure he could tell by the way I was smiling. I went to the races when Shane was racing and I wanted to show him then. My husband was there and went to talk to him so I sat in the bleachers. When my husband came back, he said Shane asked him where I was.
Abby, I’ve felt this way for two years. My husband and I have been married for seven. When I’m driving home from work, I fantasize about Shane riding in the car with me. I rush into town hoping to see him at the gas station or passing by. I’m thinking of contacting him on Messenger. I never thought of my husband this way. Please give me some advice on what to do.
[UExpress]
Abigail Van Buren points out that the letter writer’s feelings for Shane may not be reciprocated. “Your efforts would be better spent trying to figure out what happened to the excitement in your marriage than starting an affair with your husband’s friend,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Can I tell my partner to stop making nonsense sounds to our baby?
I am a new parent of a 5 month old.
My partner and I love our child, but we have different approaches and I am concerned that my partner’s parenting approach will not be good for our child in the long run.
We are both introverts, so having “the talk” to encourage language development does not come easily to either of us, but I try as much as possible to talk to the child, show what I do, sing etc.
My partner mostly makes nonsensical sounds or says “hello” to the baby.
I will be going back to work soon and my partner will be watching the baby a few days a week. I am worried that the child will be delayed due to insufficient stimulation.
I can’t figure out how to bring this up without just sounding like a critic. Am I overreacting and/or overthinking this?
[The Washington Post]
Amy Dickinson rules that talking and making nonsense sounds are both good ways to bond with babies. “Narrating your activities will introduce your child to human speech and language,” she writes. “But your partner is also narrating the day to your child – just using different language patterns.” Read the rest of her answer.
Should I tell my sister I’m hurt that she only spent $500 on my daughter’s wedding gift?
My daughter got married last month. My husband and I paid for the wedding; My daughter and son-in-law are not big earners. It was a beautiful connection. My sister and her husband came with their two children. They are insanely rich – like, the rich with private jets to expensive vacation homes! (We are not). Instead, they gave her five place settings from her gift registry that cost $500. I am hurt and angry at their lack of generosity. My mom thinks I should talk to my sister about it so it doesn’t affect our relationship. Your thoughts?
[The New York Times]
Philip Galanes discourages the letter writer from sharing her feelings with her sister. “Your assumption that your sister and brother-in-law would write a large check to the newlyweds for a hypothetical real estate purchase strikes me as odd (in the absence of discussion),” he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
For more advice column questions and answers, check out last week’s roundup.
