American politics is dangerously divisive, and people are deadly serious about politics (which is not irrational, since the outcomes of politics really are life or death for many people).
But it helps every once in a while to stop and laugh at some of the silly things the candidates of both parties do. In fact, it’s one of our only common threads these days.
On that note—as we close the book on last month’s primaries and begin looking toward what looks to be a relatively uneventful general election—here are five the dumbest things unsuccessful candidates said to me during the election.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m not perfect. I have a laundry list of mistakes from my political past – and I could easily write a second column of shenanigans that didn’t make the first list. So know that I’m not saying anything about these candidates that I wouldn’t say about myself.
The anecdotes are listed in no particular order, except that they alternate between an equal number of Democratic and Republican candidates.
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A US Senate candidate sought advice shortly before launching his campaign and laid out a theory of the race that called for building a massive grassroots fundraising base and volunteer army to overcome the bigger names.
When I explained that it would likely cost anywhere from $5 million to $10 million, the candidate responded that a digital marketing group affiliated with the campaign had predicted that the campaign launch video would “go viral” and raise $11 million. dollars.
I remember fixating on the fact that the candidate didn’t give a nice figure like $10 million or $15 million, but specifically said $11 million—a sort of political analog to seven minute abs.
“Well, I’m pretty sure even Jason Kander’s gun video I didn’t raise $11 million,” I replied. “And each cycle, there are only a few ads that go viral. So that’s basing your race on something with pretty low odds.”
“Look,” the candidate explained, “there’s basically a formula to these things.”
The launch video, as it turns out, didn’t go viral. It didn’t even raise $11 million.
Instead, the candidate would ultimately raise less than a tenth of that amount for the entire campaign.
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One day at the Capitol, I bumped into a state representative after he ran for state Senate and asked how the campaign was going.
The candidate replied, “Well, I come from the part of the Senate district with easily the most primary voters. So I’m not sure how anyone else can win unless something crazy happens.”
“Hmm,” I said diplomatically. “And how are your efforts in other parts of the district going?”
“Well, I haven’t started the campaign yet,” answered the candidate. “I can go out there and campaign. I may not. Will see. With so many primary voters in my area, I might be able to win just by putting my name on the ballot.”
Lest you think this worldview is outlandish, I recently heard another candidate (of the other party) indignantly rationalize their 2020 state Senate primary loss to a reporter using similar logic about relative concentrations of primary voters in the Senate district: “They were campaigning in my base – my base!! Not in the area where they…had won before. They were at my base!”
Who knew it was a serious offense to campaign on another candidate’s “base”?
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A third candidate I met, this one running for the House of Representatives, reported that their campaign had suddenly taken a bad turn after months of success.
“What changed things?” I asked, expecting to hear about a large contribution an opponent’s PAC had used to buy television ads or a series of negative tweets.
“(My opponent) hired bots to attack me on Twitter!” – called the candidate.
“Who cares?” I asked. “Normal voters aren’t on Twitter.”
“I bet you vote – and you’re on Twitter!” he said, in what he believed to be a rather “cool” moment.
“I’m the furthest thing from normal,” I pointed out. “Just ask my wife.”
Let’s be honest: I’m probably one in 10 at least normal voters in Missouri. I write a damn political column.
Candidates, let me put this as diplomatically as possible: “Their bots are attacking me on Twitter!” it’s the 2022 version of “They’re Stealing My Yard Signs!” It’s like wearing a neon sign on your forehead that glows, “I WILL LOSE.” Don’t worry about what @BernieStan420 posts with eight followers and an open account last month, and get back to the ef***ing doors.
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A fourth candidate — and I think it’s important to note here, a Republican — bragged to me that “I’ve got the establishment and all the business groups behind me, so we’re letting people know they need to come forward the train leaves the station.”
This candidate must have been hibernating since Trump got off an escalator in 2015, I thought. On what plane could a 2022 Missouri Republican primary candidate think that having “the establishment and all the business groups” would definitely lead to victory?
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The last candidate I’ll describe ran for Congress, and almost a year from Election Day, he was able to boast that 700 volunteers had already signed up to help canvass and phone bank.
“That’s fantastic,” I agreed, “and they’ll make a huge difference – I know volunteers were the lifeblood of my campaigns. But in such a big race you also need money to communicate. How’s the fundraising going?”
“I have $250,000 in pledges for the fourth quarter,” the candidate replied, and my ears perked up. “Also, I had a wonderful visit with President Obama, whose approval we await after we release our quarterly fundraising numbers.”
now that it would be a legitimate game changer.
And yet four quarters later, after the primaries ended, the candidate didn’t even file an FEC report. Reports are required for candidates who raise or spend more than $5,000.
Needless to say, Obama’s endorsement never materialized.
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It’s okay to lose. I lost my first race. It happens.
Indeed, this happens with the vast majority of candidates. It is possible to bounce back from a loss – as almost every modern president-elect has (LBJ, Nixon, Carter, Reagan, Bush 41, Clinton, Bush 43, Obama and Biden).
But candidates who deceive themselves and/or serially deceive others along the way are an exception. They usually can’t succeed in comeback bids – because many of their backers feel burnt out.
I doubt that such a fate awaits many of the candidates mentioned above.
